I've Become What you could never be

Me (7:16:44 PM): Beeteedubs, since I feel easily less awkward asking, did you learn anythign juicy from Sam over the summer?
Marie (7:17:11 PM): eww no I deleted his phone number a long time ago
Marie (7:17:14 PM): sorry.
Me (7:17:37 PM): I mean, when you texted him
Marie (7:19:09 PM): oh well not really
Marie (7:19:16 PM): just that he's not a virgin




This made me feel so much better.

The question pricked at me for a long time, and it clarifies so much.
Considering the fact the weekend I first confessed my crush on him, he confessed he already heard from my friends I am a total prude...
I never stood a chance, because he only wants one thing anyway.

This is the perfect chink in his armor. He can no longer play perfect as far as I am concerned; his high and mighty religious piety is fake.

I'm better off than he is.

I can do this now.

See you when I see you, Sam. I'm headed for better days now.

Hell, I looked in the mirror today and felt pretty.

This is the catastrophic day I've been waiting for to turn everything around.

And I feel good.

If there's a prize for rotten judgement I guess I've already won that

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh

Sweetness

After a weekend like that with my crazy aunts, cousins, mom, and grandmother, I can't even claim I still feel depressed.

Just empty still.

He's gone, like I knew he would be. He's not him anymore.
I don't even want him back.

I just want someone new. Anyone new.
I want to meet someone different who can show me what it was like to feel like that.

That's what I miss most.

Look in the mirror and don't like what you see: you can find out firsthand what it's like to be me

Remember back in the days when you got to choose who you wanted to be, back when you were little?
Got to pick your personality by your favorite color, favorite outfit, favorite toy, and best friend?
The swing you liked most on your favorite playground was a personality trait in those Pre-Kindergarten days, and how well you treated the class pet attributed to your overall class image?
How choosing what you wanted to be when you grew up was a silly question, because it changed so often and was so far away; that was part of who you were too. And like when you picked the red crayon that changed your life for some time, you could chose who you would be.

Well, my point?

I think back then I messed up.

Please Forgive Me

Maybe one day I'll tell you how I feel and I'll be lying.

Maybe one day you'll tell me you've changed your heart, and I just won't care anymore.

Maybe one day I'll get what I need.

The only reason I'm still holding on to you is because the "someone better" who is waiting for me either got lost or just is a bit late in coming. Either way, until I find someone better, you're the best shot I have.

You're pretty. Talented. Witty. A dash nerdy.

I was able to let the other guy down with the old "I can't date yet" excuse, which is a partial truth, but when will I stop because I actually found a reason to date?

I'm so self-destructive.

But I can't tell Sam again. He's heard it once, and heard me try to explain that I ONLY want to be his friend, if he'd let me and if we could get rid of the awkwardness between us.

I only want to be his friend.

I only want to be his friend.

I only want to be his friend.

I only want to be his everything.

And I shouldn't. Everyone wants me to get over him, to heal, to find closure and move on.

The closure is not coming, we've gone too far.

So I made you laugh today. I want to see it.

School dance is Friday. I guess you won't be there now, but I wish you would be, just because I've seen me in my dress and accessories, and I look damn good, boy, and I know you'd notice.

If only we had time. More than twenty minutes, more than thirty on the phone,

maybe.

Please forgive me if I act a little strange/

for I know not what I do/

Feels like lightning running through my veins/

Everytime I look at you, Every time I look at you/

Help me out here, all my words are falling short/

there's so much I want to say/

want to tell you just how good it feels/

when you look at me that way, when you look at me that way.

Oh, and by the way,

I remember hearing your heartbeat.