So since I've been medicated since late August, I think I've been having problems enjoying the seasons. Halloween slipped away without the joy I normally feel, Thanksgiving didn't have the same chill, so i've been determined to enjoy Christmas. Music, specials, jingle bells, tinsel, the whole works. I'm forcing myself to drown in it.
My big pain is how I watch the Christmas specials and realize how much I've grown. I'm almost too old for Christmas. I'm almost grown up. And it kills me.
Now I know the economy is in the crapper, and my mom apologised last night for how lame our Christmas presants will be this year, because my dad was unemployed for six months. But I'm just happy my dad got a job last month. That was all I wanted.
I keep dreaming about toys, though. After Christmas Dance Friday, I went to my bestie Mim's house, and I dreamt of Build-a-Bear. That was my favorite place when I was little. Last night I dreamed about Barbies. I don't get me, but I guess I feel playful?
But my secret wish is for someone to tell me they love me. To go walking in the snow with someone I love too. But I'm just a romantic; of course I'd want that.
It's embarassing, but since my heart is back open, I want to find something new to fill the void.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
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