Earth below us, drifting, falling

Allen, after having a crush on me for months, has finally moved on.

I haven't felt this unwanted in a while.

So I carry forth, watching life from a distance, living in my head, telling myself fantasy stories to keep away the lonliness of being invisible.

Far beneath the ship,the world is mourning.
They don't realize he's alive.
No one understands,but Major Tom sees."
Now the light commands this is my home,
I'm coming home."

I wanna shoot the whole day down

DAMMMIT.

I HATE MONDAYS.

AUGHHHHHHHH.

I feel like a failure already, and I've only had two classes.
I'm going to fucking lose my mind.
I hate my pottymouth, but it was my dad's fault.

I'm in such a shitty mood.
I wanna go home so quickly.


Monday, later:

Poster signing was depressing. Like no one signed my poster. I'm kind of seriously distraught by it. Some people didn't even have the decency to write ANYTHING, especially people who I thought were cool or friendly. That sucks.

Lost & Insecure

Tell me something nice so I forget what I heard.
Show me something wonderful so I forget what I saw.
Show me something new so I can no longer remember.

Save me. I don't want to do this again.



Sam, you are the devil. You are too beautiful and too malicious to be a child of God.

Sometime I think I'll die alone; live and breathe and die alone.

I seriously feel painfully single.
Not like my retarded friends who go without a boyfriend for two months and whine about it.
My friend asked me today if my truth-or-dare girlkiss a few months ago was my first kiss.
It wasn't.

It's been over a year and a half since my last one. That was the closest I came to having a boyfriend, and now, having set up my best friend with a guy and yet not able to attain one myself is a mindfuck.

I've met a couple attractive guys in recent weeks, all snatched up.

I must be hideous or a terrible bitch, really.

My mom can do little to convince me my medicine weight isn't affecting me.

FML.

Dark Blue

Well my, my. Who fails at blogging?
I do!

I finally solved my problem. I broke down, made a scene, and found my true friends.
We're going to Disney is less than a month.
8D
I don't care about the musical I didn't get into any more. I'm designing lights for my school's show. I've done about three shows (or show-like things), plus an internship at the aquarium on Saturdays instead of the stupid musical, which, according to my sources, is doomed.
The cast can't sing, can't dance, Sam can't remember his lines, and the first show is tomorrow night.
I won't let myself think nasty things anymore. That is how I isolate myself. This is how I blind myself to my real friends. But I'm glad I know who they are and that we're all in the same boat.

We had a Drug Lady visit school last week. She was awesome. Recovered addict, she's hilarious, but makes you realize that that shit is nasty.
She made a joke about my Chem class being the geeky, non-party class, and I told her my D&D parties were INTENSE. She believed me for a second, before I confessed to kidding. Then she asked if we read fanfic and ate pizza on friday nights.
Bahaha. Quite true.
The next day she let me play with her Macbook Air. FUN.
The day after she gave my Chem class a shoutout in assembly. It was epic.
The last day i confessed how naiive I felt about how much drug use there was at my school. She said that's a good thing. I felt good.

Admittedly, I was a bit out of my head last week. I'm not into sex and drugs, but I was feeling so shickingly indifferent about stuff I'm not intending to do. It was a bit mistifying.

I'm better.

My brother came back for spring break last week, too. After doing nothing, he took me to see Watchmen. It was EPIC.

I dunno. This has been a plesant week. I've got a big weekend, with the play practice, Coffeehouse, Aquarium Exam, and Talent show to attend.

I'm glad to be busy, though. Makes me feel excited.

I wanna be Delivered

I'm running out of ways to cry for help.

Those who hear the call don't know how to react.

Help.

I'm alone.

I need someone to help me.

Try to understand.

I have a kidney disease.

The medicine is messing with my head.

I need people to be there for me.

All I need is for you

to listen.



Find me when you can.


love

This is my December

Christmas was great this year. Although as I sit here listening to my brother try to break all my records on Wii Fit, I want to pitch him out the frigging window.
I got a Wii for Christmas. No surprise, I saw it in the family room for weeks. And I got a LOT of cute clothes. My mom was worried Christmas would be lame, but still I opened box after box, and I couldn't tell that our budget had been cut in half this year.
I didn't even get a single gift from the mall this year. The only time was the Tuesday before Christmas, when my mom and I decided to make up for the missed hysteria by running up the down escalator. I got bruised and some workout, but I loved it.
Here was my semi-material list, from December 23rd:

1. Snow. My cousin and I agreed. The temperatures have bounced so much that's looking very grim. It did snow in November, though. I just wish there was more.
I did get a little snow today though. It fell off a tractor trailer on the highway. It made me happy, because I figure that's the closest I'll get.

It didn't snow before Christmas. It snowed a little the other night. We got a two hour delay and some rested on the windshield whipers. But now the tempereatures are in the single digits, it's a good chance.

2. Someone new. I was going to wish for someone new to get the love I squandered on the wrong person this year, but I knew early on I stood no chance for that.
But lately I feel so jaded by people around me, I need someone refreshing to show me something new.

The week after Christmas, I got urged by Annie and Marie to add a boy I'd been eyeing up on Facebook as my friend.
I did.
He's cute.
He's been described as "weird and probably gay" which sums up my type in men, apparently. I'm not putting in too much stock to him, but he's pretty adorable.
But New Years eve, I met many more people, including a girl who is one of his best friends. She's such a sweet heart. I'm planning my birthday party with a lot of people I met recently, and I'm glad to say that I do feel better knowing them.

3. Faith. I need to believe in something, but everything is breaking me down so it's impossible to believe in anything anymore. I miss being able to believe everything would be okay, and that everything has a reason. I want it back.

My dear friends and I got in a religious discussion a few days after Christmas. Watching Iron Man and talking about God and the Universe and Eternity with people you got confirmed with is good for me.

4. Serenity. I've not been well this year, and I've been really moody. I like to think "Gee, it's all because of my meds." but really, I'm terrified it's not. I've never been this awful before, and a lot of my friends and family have to suffer my beastly moods. They don't deserve it. I just wish I could get my head straightened out.

Mimsy was admitted to therapy this week for depression and anxiety, and only shows up to school for homeroom or a class. I miss her so much, and my moodiness has not been helped by my declining Chem grade.
I need to find some zen.

5. The ability to eat my favorite foods. Stupid low-sodium diet. Fist shaking goes here.

My mommy made me low-sodium Mac and Cheese for Christmas. We also found a pizza place that has the unsaltiest pizza sauce I've ever tasted. I'm getting some wiggle room =D

The only bad thing is since my brother came home for winter break, he's been whining about the unsalty dinners. He's just tooling on me, my mom says but he's really making me feel guilty about my fucking genetic kidney problem. Douche.

6. To get in a musical. Lights are great. I want to get in one for real. January 12th, don't fail me.

As you can see, the date is past for that.
The 12th was a rough day. I bombed a Chemistry test retake. Mimsy wasn't there. I had a speaking exam en espanol. And then auditions at the boy's school.
However, I practiced, and was excited. I could do this, everyone told me. Allen, Teddy, and Ryan were there for me, as well a Crystal and Lena and Kathy. Allen and I kept hand-shaking a la Snake and Otacon in Metal Gear Solid 2 (I got my brother MGS1 for Christmas. He was elated. I love that series to an unfortunate degree.) I felt good. Confident.
Allen tried to help me calm my nerves by kicking doors open when people were knocking on the side doors.
He kicked the door open right in Sam's face.
Great moment.
I brushed him off (Ego peg: LOWERED) He came to greet me. I complimented his tie. Hug time. He went off to talk with the older girls. Nooooo surprise. I only talked to him one other time. Said he liked my converse. Naturally.
The actual audition was good. I hit the right note. Got a bit nervous when singing with the piano. Other than that, I left feeling kinda good.

I was talking to Allen, Lena, and Kathy frantically that night, waiting for call backs. Allen talked to the piano accompanist, a friend of his, and he described me as really good, better than a girl who was in Grease last year.
Kathy texted me when she got her email. She made callbacks.
I waited
checked my email hourly
and waited
another day gone by.
Kept waiting. It was agonizing
Maybe the director was still deciding.
Wednesday I was sure that was rejection, but still wasn't sure.
Maybe she was deliberating on which lead to give me?
I emailed the director.
Thursday was callbacks.
Nothing all day.
I asked Lena and Kathy if they had heard about me while at callbacks.
No?
How unprofessional to reject me without notification.
Director said she would, along with tops for improvement, Allen said. He was on team Hate with me.
Yesterday during lunch, kathy told me she had been emailed her rejection.
She made it to callbacks and got cut.

Teddy sent me the Cast List.
Sucky Grease girl got in without even returning to call backs.
All the girls in Grease were back in.
Teddy was fuming that he was given a lesser part than a guy who couldn't even sing, he just looked more like the guy from the movie.

And the lead?

Sam.
Naturally.

Sorry to tell Chrystal and Lena, but I'm not going to see them. I promised I would, but I can't.
Teddy thanked me for being a friend after being a shoulder to lean on. I told him if he wanted me there, I would be.

I was going to say "This is the fifth time I've been rejected from a show" but that's ridiculous.
Rejection implies I was told I was cut.
I was not, which was worse.
I told myself if I got in, cool, if not, fine, I had other stuff at school. But this was just not fair.

Last week was total hell. I was really depressed. I got a lot of support from my friends on facebook, none from my friends at school. The pain of failure in school and in my dreams was excruciating, and it was drawn out.

I feel like I've never had a dream come true ever.

Now I must study for exams.

Ick. I just don't feel like it.