This is my December

Christmas was great this year. Although as I sit here listening to my brother try to break all my records on Wii Fit, I want to pitch him out the frigging window.
I got a Wii for Christmas. No surprise, I saw it in the family room for weeks. And I got a LOT of cute clothes. My mom was worried Christmas would be lame, but still I opened box after box, and I couldn't tell that our budget had been cut in half this year.
I didn't even get a single gift from the mall this year. The only time was the Tuesday before Christmas, when my mom and I decided to make up for the missed hysteria by running up the down escalator. I got bruised and some workout, but I loved it.
Here was my semi-material list, from December 23rd:

1. Snow. My cousin and I agreed. The temperatures have bounced so much that's looking very grim. It did snow in November, though. I just wish there was more.
I did get a little snow today though. It fell off a tractor trailer on the highway. It made me happy, because I figure that's the closest I'll get.

It didn't snow before Christmas. It snowed a little the other night. We got a two hour delay and some rested on the windshield whipers. But now the tempereatures are in the single digits, it's a good chance.

2. Someone new. I was going to wish for someone new to get the love I squandered on the wrong person this year, but I knew early on I stood no chance for that.
But lately I feel so jaded by people around me, I need someone refreshing to show me something new.

The week after Christmas, I got urged by Annie and Marie to add a boy I'd been eyeing up on Facebook as my friend.
I did.
He's cute.
He's been described as "weird and probably gay" which sums up my type in men, apparently. I'm not putting in too much stock to him, but he's pretty adorable.
But New Years eve, I met many more people, including a girl who is one of his best friends. She's such a sweet heart. I'm planning my birthday party with a lot of people I met recently, and I'm glad to say that I do feel better knowing them.

3. Faith. I need to believe in something, but everything is breaking me down so it's impossible to believe in anything anymore. I miss being able to believe everything would be okay, and that everything has a reason. I want it back.

My dear friends and I got in a religious discussion a few days after Christmas. Watching Iron Man and talking about God and the Universe and Eternity with people you got confirmed with is good for me.

4. Serenity. I've not been well this year, and I've been really moody. I like to think "Gee, it's all because of my meds." but really, I'm terrified it's not. I've never been this awful before, and a lot of my friends and family have to suffer my beastly moods. They don't deserve it. I just wish I could get my head straightened out.

Mimsy was admitted to therapy this week for depression and anxiety, and only shows up to school for homeroom or a class. I miss her so much, and my moodiness has not been helped by my declining Chem grade.
I need to find some zen.

5. The ability to eat my favorite foods. Stupid low-sodium diet. Fist shaking goes here.

My mommy made me low-sodium Mac and Cheese for Christmas. We also found a pizza place that has the unsaltiest pizza sauce I've ever tasted. I'm getting some wiggle room =D

The only bad thing is since my brother came home for winter break, he's been whining about the unsalty dinners. He's just tooling on me, my mom says but he's really making me feel guilty about my fucking genetic kidney problem. Douche.

6. To get in a musical. Lights are great. I want to get in one for real. January 12th, don't fail me.

As you can see, the date is past for that.
The 12th was a rough day. I bombed a Chemistry test retake. Mimsy wasn't there. I had a speaking exam en espanol. And then auditions at the boy's school.
However, I practiced, and was excited. I could do this, everyone told me. Allen, Teddy, and Ryan were there for me, as well a Crystal and Lena and Kathy. Allen and I kept hand-shaking a la Snake and Otacon in Metal Gear Solid 2 (I got my brother MGS1 for Christmas. He was elated. I love that series to an unfortunate degree.) I felt good. Confident.
Allen tried to help me calm my nerves by kicking doors open when people were knocking on the side doors.
He kicked the door open right in Sam's face.
Great moment.
I brushed him off (Ego peg: LOWERED) He came to greet me. I complimented his tie. Hug time. He went off to talk with the older girls. Nooooo surprise. I only talked to him one other time. Said he liked my converse. Naturally.
The actual audition was good. I hit the right note. Got a bit nervous when singing with the piano. Other than that, I left feeling kinda good.

I was talking to Allen, Lena, and Kathy frantically that night, waiting for call backs. Allen talked to the piano accompanist, a friend of his, and he described me as really good, better than a girl who was in Grease last year.
Kathy texted me when she got her email. She made callbacks.
I waited
checked my email hourly
and waited
another day gone by.
Kept waiting. It was agonizing
Maybe the director was still deciding.
Wednesday I was sure that was rejection, but still wasn't sure.
Maybe she was deliberating on which lead to give me?
I emailed the director.
Thursday was callbacks.
Nothing all day.
I asked Lena and Kathy if they had heard about me while at callbacks.
No?
How unprofessional to reject me without notification.
Director said she would, along with tops for improvement, Allen said. He was on team Hate with me.
Yesterday during lunch, kathy told me she had been emailed her rejection.
She made it to callbacks and got cut.

Teddy sent me the Cast List.
Sucky Grease girl got in without even returning to call backs.
All the girls in Grease were back in.
Teddy was fuming that he was given a lesser part than a guy who couldn't even sing, he just looked more like the guy from the movie.

And the lead?

Sam.
Naturally.

Sorry to tell Chrystal and Lena, but I'm not going to see them. I promised I would, but I can't.
Teddy thanked me for being a friend after being a shoulder to lean on. I told him if he wanted me there, I would be.

I was going to say "This is the fifth time I've been rejected from a show" but that's ridiculous.
Rejection implies I was told I was cut.
I was not, which was worse.
I told myself if I got in, cool, if not, fine, I had other stuff at school. But this was just not fair.

Last week was total hell. I was really depressed. I got a lot of support from my friends on facebook, none from my friends at school. The pain of failure in school and in my dreams was excruciating, and it was drawn out.

I feel like I've never had a dream come true ever.

Now I must study for exams.

Ick. I just don't feel like it.

I Believe in Santa Claus, like I believe in love

So since I've been medicated since late August, I think I've been having problems enjoying the seasons. Halloween slipped away without the joy I normally feel, Thanksgiving didn't have the same chill, so i've been determined to enjoy Christmas. Music, specials, jingle bells, tinsel, the whole works. I'm forcing myself to drown in it.
My big pain is how I watch the Christmas specials and realize how much I've grown. I'm almost too old for Christmas. I'm almost grown up. And it kills me.
Now I know the economy is in the crapper, and my mom apologised last night for how lame our Christmas presants will be this year, because my dad was unemployed for six months. But I'm just happy my dad got a job last month. That was all I wanted.
I keep dreaming about toys, though. After Christmas Dance Friday, I went to my bestie Mim's house, and I dreamt of Build-a-Bear. That was my favorite place when I was little. Last night I dreamed about Barbies. I don't get me, but I guess I feel playful?
But my secret wish is for someone to tell me they love me. To go walking in the snow with someone I love too. But I'm just a romantic; of course I'd want that.
It's embarassing, but since my heart is back open, I want to find something new to fill the void.

Are we Human?

Tonight's the night.

I finally am going to a dance and have to deal with seeing Sam with another girl.

This is going to take all my nerve.

<3

Will your System Be alright when you dream of home tonight?
There is no message, where is she then?
Let me know if your heart's still beating.

Tonight will be the night that I will fall

Shit.
I hate the days before holiday breaks. They give us a crazy work load, which makes sense; they're teachers, this is what they do.
But I need this break so much. I'm losing my mind left and right. My history teacher caught me frantically being frantic in the halls twice last week. Fail.

But I realized that if I fail my Chem test Friday I'll have no choice but to drop the class. I failed one quiz already. It's pathetic. The grade is a disgrace. I didn't have nearly enough time for the quiz, and it's totally going to fucking drag down my grade for the fucking class.
But I burned the fucking grade off the quiz, and kept the paper for exam puposes. I like burning things.

I'm a bit buggy lately. Friday I'm going to a dance with Allen, who had been pursuing me since summer but has recently dropped chase. I figure it won't be awkward with him, he's a cool friend.

But this isn't at my school. It's at Allen's.
And I know for a fact Sam will be there.

Damn if I didn't think I had that problem licked.
He WILL be there, with his girlfriend, who he is clearly fucking senseless. Yes, vulgar language. But he is. They are.

I was so proud of myself last Friday when I successfully went on an ecursion to Wal Mart before the play (I ended up doing lights. I loved it.) with Sam and Teddy. I didn't fawn over Sam and had a great time on a simple shopping trip.
But Saturday I fell apart, and Sam's been dancing in my thoughts again.

He never liked me.
He's a manwhore.
Stop doing this to yourself.

I wish I could.

But what am I going to Friday?

I guess I better get a good dress. I have my red heels from the party two weeks ago.
Better knock him dead and remind him, yet again, what he's missing.

I think he knows he's making a big mistake with other girls, but he knows he can't have me. I'm not that easy.

One day, we'll end these mind games.
In about a week, I'll forget about Sam again.
Til then, I have a religion test and Spanish quiz tomorrow.

Damn.

I've Become What you could never be

Me (7:16:44 PM): Beeteedubs, since I feel easily less awkward asking, did you learn anythign juicy from Sam over the summer?
Marie (7:17:11 PM): eww no I deleted his phone number a long time ago
Marie (7:17:14 PM): sorry.
Me (7:17:37 PM): I mean, when you texted him
Marie (7:19:09 PM): oh well not really
Marie (7:19:16 PM): just that he's not a virgin




This made me feel so much better.

The question pricked at me for a long time, and it clarifies so much.
Considering the fact the weekend I first confessed my crush on him, he confessed he already heard from my friends I am a total prude...
I never stood a chance, because he only wants one thing anyway.

This is the perfect chink in his armor. He can no longer play perfect as far as I am concerned; his high and mighty religious piety is fake.

I'm better off than he is.

I can do this now.

See you when I see you, Sam. I'm headed for better days now.

Hell, I looked in the mirror today and felt pretty.

This is the catastrophic day I've been waiting for to turn everything around.

And I feel good.