You deserve much better than me.

I just got asked out.
By a guy I never actually have any sort of interest in AT ALL.

And I agreed.

So what. Sam's just my friend. He broke up with the girl from my school before we got back, and we just got to talk and hang out and be friends at the mixer. So what if he carried me off like a regular prince charming would after I slipped on a puddle of sweat chasing after his hat? So what.
He's just my friend.
We texted like pirates Friday. That's what friends do.

I could so use this to get over him.
And I want to.

But in the deepest corner of my mind, part of me just wants him to wrap his arms around me again, and to bury my face deeply into his chest and stay there.

That's what I wanted all along.

I'm done a month of my meds, and we're starting to scale them down. Real update in the morrow.

The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive

I'm just so damn uncomfortable in my skin today. And this week.

Sam justtt oh well fuck.

He ended it with the girl from my school before school even started. Talked to me again.

And he's back on my mind. I tell myself he's just a friend but.

Fuck.

I can't bring myself to say it. But this isn't about Sam today, not entirely.

I just don't feel right. Antsy. Crawly. I no longer die of starvation from my kidney meds, but I'm still antsy and all. I seriously don't feel self-concious any more; I was dying of that before school started. I just don't feel comfortable no matter what any more.

I need to something to flip my life around or just a new perspective or something. Changing my room didn't do anything. Losing the brother to college isn't doing anything.

I want to be in the school musical so badly it hurts. I fear I may get suicidal if I don't get in. I need this.

Sorry for the lameass post. Med Girl is hungry and needs fewd and has to go back to school tonight so yeah, I'm boring today.

Babylon

So the hospital was not nearly as bad as I expected. It did put a few things in perspective for me.
Being on bedrest for about 24-hours, however, has helped my posture. I hate feeling as slumped as I did. I also stayed, but a freak planning error, in the pediatric oncology ward: the children's cancer unit. It was so odd, but the view was so beautiful. I feel so blessed now; my faith in God feels a bit restored, it really does.

My recovery is going super. I got home yesterday afternoon after following a bickering couple on the way from the Hospital. It was like watching Jerry Springer, I swear.

My brother, however, stole my post-Hospital attention; he cut himself today at work and had to be taken by ambulance to a different hospital because he bumped his head twice after fainting at the sight of his own blood. I've so been tooling on him.
I kinda like his new girlfriend. He said while I watched him play Portal "I don't need your approval. You need my approval for your boyfriends. It's a double standard." As funny as that was, I gotta say, this kid is so bad with girlfriends. This girl is cute though. I like her.

My cousin came over and helped me recover as we reveled in all things silly. I laughed so hard yesterday and today, probably too hard for my poor kidney.
I tooled on her Senior pictures. She looks ridokulously stoned in a few of them. Smiley face.

I so want to see A Dark Knight again. Joker nurse yay.


I painted Marie and Annie journals for their birthday. Two months late, but God, those things were WORK. I'll post pictures maybe if I feel like it.


Ugh, and Sam comes home in two days. I kind of want him to come back so I can find closure for him being such a cold jerk before he left; part of me wants him back, just because I haven't spoken to him for so long, and I miss his silly antics that perked up the doldrums of summer.

However, a greater part of me, considers now that he's single and met a ton of girls at church camp a few weeks ago and it's going to be painful to see which one he picks over me; that part of me wishes he was gone for good.

I don't know how I feel anymore. Part of me wonders if he's still real. He's turning into the first guy I liked, the one I saw so infrequently I questioned his existance to the point I pondered if he was imaginary. Hell, that's been all three guys I've had crushes on. The only confirmation of the first guy's existance was his myspace. The second one I wondered was an angel, for real. But Sam feels to be fading fast; I just don't think he's human any more.
No one can be this perfect, yet this cruel.

Learning "Please forgive me" by David Gray on piano. Need to finish summer reading, dammit.

Oh well; ♥

Look how they shine for you

A lame attempt at pointing out my personal flaws:

obviously you know all your good qualities. so what say i enlighten you to some of your not so good ones.
While you are an intellectual, you're socially and emotionally immature.
Your brand of comedy only appeals to a select few.
You're smart to the point where it's annoying.
You have a shyness and possibly a fear of intimacy about you that's gonna prevent you from having a serious boyfriend or getting a guy that you're interested in for a long time. (Guys pick up on that)
You can argue with me, but i'm not by any means the only person who thinks these things. :)

It's fun to finally know how far under "the closest thing to an ex you have"'s skin you got.

Besides, I'm not annoyingly intelligent; I'm intimidating.

I'll dave the Sam drama for later.

Kidney biopsy tomorrow D: I'm kinda nervous, but Mimsy and Johanna are coming :3

But I have to get up before 6 AM. That's the worst.
And Sam's away, so I can't text him while I'm there.
I woulod have loved that.