Tonight will be the night that I will fall

Shit.
I hate the days before holiday breaks. They give us a crazy work load, which makes sense; they're teachers, this is what they do.
But I need this break so much. I'm losing my mind left and right. My history teacher caught me frantically being frantic in the halls twice last week. Fail.

But I realized that if I fail my Chem test Friday I'll have no choice but to drop the class. I failed one quiz already. It's pathetic. The grade is a disgrace. I didn't have nearly enough time for the quiz, and it's totally going to fucking drag down my grade for the fucking class.
But I burned the fucking grade off the quiz, and kept the paper for exam puposes. I like burning things.

I'm a bit buggy lately. Friday I'm going to a dance with Allen, who had been pursuing me since summer but has recently dropped chase. I figure it won't be awkward with him, he's a cool friend.

But this isn't at my school. It's at Allen's.
And I know for a fact Sam will be there.

Damn if I didn't think I had that problem licked.
He WILL be there, with his girlfriend, who he is clearly fucking senseless. Yes, vulgar language. But he is. They are.

I was so proud of myself last Friday when I successfully went on an ecursion to Wal Mart before the play (I ended up doing lights. I loved it.) with Sam and Teddy. I didn't fawn over Sam and had a great time on a simple shopping trip.
But Saturday I fell apart, and Sam's been dancing in my thoughts again.

He never liked me.
He's a manwhore.
Stop doing this to yourself.

I wish I could.

But what am I going to Friday?

I guess I better get a good dress. I have my red heels from the party two weeks ago.
Better knock him dead and remind him, yet again, what he's missing.

I think he knows he's making a big mistake with other girls, but he knows he can't have me. I'm not that easy.

One day, we'll end these mind games.
In about a week, I'll forget about Sam again.
Til then, I have a religion test and Spanish quiz tomorrow.

Damn.

The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive

I'm just so damn uncomfortable in my skin today. And this week.

Sam justtt oh well fuck.

He ended it with the girl from my school before school even started. Talked to me again.

And he's back on my mind. I tell myself he's just a friend but.

Fuck.

I can't bring myself to say it. But this isn't about Sam today, not entirely.

I just don't feel right. Antsy. Crawly. I no longer die of starvation from my kidney meds, but I'm still antsy and all. I seriously don't feel self-concious any more; I was dying of that before school started. I just don't feel comfortable no matter what any more.

I need to something to flip my life around or just a new perspective or something. Changing my room didn't do anything. Losing the brother to college isn't doing anything.

I want to be in the school musical so badly it hurts. I fear I may get suicidal if I don't get in. I need this.

Sorry for the lameass post. Med Girl is hungry and needs fewd and has to go back to school tonight so yeah, I'm boring today.