Sweetness

After a weekend like that with my crazy aunts, cousins, mom, and grandmother, I can't even claim I still feel depressed.

Just empty still.

He's gone, like I knew he would be. He's not him anymore.
I don't even want him back.

I just want someone new. Anyone new.
I want to meet someone different who can show me what it was like to feel like that.

That's what I miss most.

Look in the mirror and don't like what you see: you can find out firsthand what it's like to be me

Remember back in the days when you got to choose who you wanted to be, back when you were little?
Got to pick your personality by your favorite color, favorite outfit, favorite toy, and best friend?
The swing you liked most on your favorite playground was a personality trait in those Pre-Kindergarten days, and how well you treated the class pet attributed to your overall class image?
How choosing what you wanted to be when you grew up was a silly question, because it changed so often and was so far away; that was part of who you were too. And like when you picked the red crayon that changed your life for some time, you could chose who you would be.

Well, my point?

I think back then I messed up.

Please Forgive Me

Maybe one day I'll tell you how I feel and I'll be lying.

Maybe one day you'll tell me you've changed your heart, and I just won't care anymore.

Maybe one day I'll get what I need.

The only reason I'm still holding on to you is because the "someone better" who is waiting for me either got lost or just is a bit late in coming. Either way, until I find someone better, you're the best shot I have.

You're pretty. Talented. Witty. A dash nerdy.

I was able to let the other guy down with the old "I can't date yet" excuse, which is a partial truth, but when will I stop because I actually found a reason to date?

I'm so self-destructive.

But I can't tell Sam again. He's heard it once, and heard me try to explain that I ONLY want to be his friend, if he'd let me and if we could get rid of the awkwardness between us.

I only want to be his friend.

I only want to be his friend.

I only want to be his friend.

I only want to be his everything.

And I shouldn't. Everyone wants me to get over him, to heal, to find closure and move on.

The closure is not coming, we've gone too far.

So I made you laugh today. I want to see it.

School dance is Friday. I guess you won't be there now, but I wish you would be, just because I've seen me in my dress and accessories, and I look damn good, boy, and I know you'd notice.

If only we had time. More than twenty minutes, more than thirty on the phone,

maybe.

Please forgive me if I act a little strange/

for I know not what I do/

Feels like lightning running through my veins/

Everytime I look at you, Every time I look at you/

Help me out here, all my words are falling short/

there's so much I want to say/

want to tell you just how good it feels/

when you look at me that way, when you look at me that way.

Oh, and by the way,

I remember hearing your heartbeat.

You deserve much better than me.

I just got asked out.
By a guy I never actually have any sort of interest in AT ALL.

And I agreed.

So what. Sam's just my friend. He broke up with the girl from my school before we got back, and we just got to talk and hang out and be friends at the mixer. So what if he carried me off like a regular prince charming would after I slipped on a puddle of sweat chasing after his hat? So what.
He's just my friend.
We texted like pirates Friday. That's what friends do.

I could so use this to get over him.
And I want to.

But in the deepest corner of my mind, part of me just wants him to wrap his arms around me again, and to bury my face deeply into his chest and stay there.

That's what I wanted all along.

I'm done a month of my meds, and we're starting to scale them down. Real update in the morrow.

The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive

I'm just so damn uncomfortable in my skin today. And this week.

Sam justtt oh well fuck.

He ended it with the girl from my school before school even started. Talked to me again.

And he's back on my mind. I tell myself he's just a friend but.

Fuck.

I can't bring myself to say it. But this isn't about Sam today, not entirely.

I just don't feel right. Antsy. Crawly. I no longer die of starvation from my kidney meds, but I'm still antsy and all. I seriously don't feel self-concious any more; I was dying of that before school started. I just don't feel comfortable no matter what any more.

I need to something to flip my life around or just a new perspective or something. Changing my room didn't do anything. Losing the brother to college isn't doing anything.

I want to be in the school musical so badly it hurts. I fear I may get suicidal if I don't get in. I need this.

Sorry for the lameass post. Med Girl is hungry and needs fewd and has to go back to school tonight so yeah, I'm boring today.